“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well,
you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well.
It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the
lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame
the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will
grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor
does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my
experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If
you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the
situation will change”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
1. LISTEN.
Pay close attention to what your teen says. Teenagers often
communicate much more than what they may seem to be saying on the
surface. Read between
the lines and pay attention to tone and body language.
2. Ask your teen how their day was, every day.
Teens can be guarded, but simply asking how the school day or
a club meeting will help them realize that you are interested in their
day to day
life. Be specific in your questions to encourage real
answers:
“How did the other kids in the club respond to your idea about…”
“Who do you usually have lunch with these days?”
3. Be their sounding board.
If you’re a good listener, your teen will share his or her
problems. Your teen doesn’t want you to step in and solve problems –
that makes her
feel incompetent, and dependent, so she needs to push you
away. What she wants is for you to listen, and ask a few good questions,
so she can
sort out how she feels and think about the best solutions.
She’ll leave that conversation feeling closer to you.
4. Going on a car trip together?
Let your teen be the DJ! Teens are developing their tastes
and many times the books, movies and music they enjoy are a big part of
their emerging
identity. Let your teen choose the radio station or CD. Even
if you don’t particularly enjoy the music, their taste in tunes is a
telling window
into their thoughts and emotions. At the very least, it
gives you something to talk about.
5. Create a family book club.
Buy two copies of a novel both you and your teen may enjoy.
Find a fun place (over brunch?) to talk about what you're reading. What
do you think
of the characters' choices? Would they make the same choice?
Did they see that plot turn coming? For busy high schoolers, you might
offer to
read (or maybe re-read) the literature they have been
assigned for English class.
6. Offer to host a dinner party for your teen and a few of their friends
...but involve them in the planning of the menu and the
cooking. This is a great way to not only teach your teen how to make
simple dishes which
will be helpful as they move out on their own, but also make
them feel grown up, and that you have an interest in getting to know
their friends
as emerging adults.
7. Let them bring a friend along on family outings or vacations.
As we reached our mid to late teens my parents regularly
offered to include one of our friends on outings. While this may seem
like a distraction
from “family time” it actually made me feel like my parents
cared about letting us have a good time and wanted to get to know our
friends.
Often, it makes for more interesting discussions.
8. Work out together.
If your teen is into working out, ask if you can join her. If
your teen unwinds by shooting hoops in the back yard, go out and join
in, even if
you haven’t played basketball in years.
9. Watch movies or a weekly TV show together.
Get the popcorn popped and enjoy some down time with your
teen. Let them choose the movie rental or Netflix flick. Don’t try to
make this a regular
Friday night thing, or your teen will feel like you’re
trying to keep them from social events. A Sunday night movie time when
your teen can
relax before the upcoming school week and after doing a lot
of homework would be ideal.
10. Do chores WITH your teen as a way to bond.
Teens don’t always necessarily recognize the time and work
that goes into maintaining a household. I know I certainly didn’t
understand how difficult
it was until I moved out on my own. Saying something like,
“Wow, we’ve both had really long days, if we work
together to do these dishes it will go so much faster and we can both
relax sooner,”
is a great equalizer. The more you demand they do things, or have a negative attitude, the more likely your teen will resist.
11. Show up to their events.
After-school activities are often a large part of a teen’s
life, so taking an interest in their preferred hobby is a great way to
connect. Make
time in your schedule to go to a game or play and enjoy
sharing in
your teen’s talents. But remember, you're not there to help
them
get better
at their activity; that will be perceived as a criticism,
and they'll dread riding home with you.
You're there to appreciate! Just say "I love to watch you
play!"
12. Commiserate with how oppressive homework can feel.
It makes it a little easier if someone at least appreciates
that they worked at school all day and now they have to work all evening
on homework.
Ask if they need help. Offer to help edit your teen’s essay
or review their math homework. And bringing tea or a snack will melt
your teen's
heart.
13. Hug them every day.
No matter how old you are, everyone needs regular attention and love from those they love. Giving your teen a hug and saying
“I love you,” is one of the easiest ways to stay connected.
14. If they don't want hugs, give foot massages.
Who can turn down a foot massage? And it's a great chance to chat.
15. Create little rituals to connect.
Maybe you insist on a kiss in exchange for the car keys. Or
you always go for pizza together on Sunday night. Or you get your nails
done with your
daughter. Find something that works, and make it happen
regularly. Your teen will come to expect and accept it, and will rely on
those moments
of connection.
16. Try something new together.
Sharing in a new experience with your teen is a fantastic equalizer.
17. Have fun together.
Since your teen won't necessarily think what you want to do
is fun, that means you'll have to pay attention to what they think is
fun and join
them. Having fun together makes it more likely that your
teen will want to talk to you.
18. Ask your teen to teach you something.
Teens want to be more mature. What could be more grown-up
than teaching your parents something? You'd be surprised how much your
teen knows that
you don't know. Sure, much of it relates to electronics or
social media. But she's likely to be learning things at school that
you'd find fascinating,
so you might also let her tell you what she's just learned
about Hemingway, or the Roman Empire.
19. Go camping.
Away from screens and cell service, where you can hike and chat.
20. Buy tickets to go to a game together.
Whether your team wins or loses, cheering together brings you
closer. And sitting in the bleachers together feels special and gives
you a lot of
time to talk.
21. Volunteer together.
Teens want to make the world a better place, and they want to
see that they can make a difference. It will mean a lot to see that you
share that
commitment.
22. Ask if they'll be your friend on social media.
You'll have to promise not to comment on things, but you're
allowed to "like" what they post occasionally. It's a great window into
their world,
especially if you don't over-react to what you see there.
23. Text your teen.
Sure, you could call. But it's embarrassing to pick up the
phone in front of his friends and talk to his mom. If you text, you stay
connected,
and he doesn't have to admit who he's talking to.
24. Bite your tongue.
Your teen isn't perfect. He or she will make a lot of
mistakes. But the more you comment on them, the more your teen feels
like you don't love
them, even if you say you do. Sometimes you do have to make
suggestions. But if you can possibly say nothing, then say nothing.
25. Don’t compare them to their siblings/cousins/friends.
I hated when my parents or teachers would talk about my
siblings, whether it was in relation to my accomplishments or my
shortcomings. This is
a sure way to alienate and frustrate your teen. Teens want
to feel like individuals with special and unique qualities that you
recognize and
appreciate regardless of how good their brother is at
basketball or the perfect grades their best friend gets.
26. Let them have their freedom.
Unless you have a real reason, there is no need to
helicopter parent your teen. In fact, making your own mistakes is a huge
part of growing up.
I’m certainly not suggesting letting your teen sneak into
bars, but it’s a normal part of teenage life for them to go to a party
or on a date.
Worried? First, calm yourself. Then, tell your teen that you
know you are over-worried, but you need a little reassurance from them.
Sit down
and ask some questions about their plans, to be sure your
concerns are met. (“Will there be adult supervision? What will you do if
other kids
are drinking or smoking marijuana? What will you do if you
feel like you’re in over your head and you want me to pick you up, no
punishment
no matter what?”)
27. Talk to your teen about dating and sex.
Parents should realize that teens today are learning about
and experimenting with their sexuality earlier and earlier. Instead of
pulling out the
chastity belt or locking them in their bedroom, have a
conversation about dating, and yes -- safe sex. Ask to meet their
boy/girl friend as
early as they are comfortable introducing them to you (Some
are just juvenile flings and you don’t necessarily need to meet them).
The more
you pretend it’s not happening, the more likely it is your
teen will engage in bad relationship and sex habits that could have
serious repercussions
in their future romantic lives.
28. Forget traditional discipline.
Instead, use “misbehavior” or poor judgment as an opportunity
to get closer to your teen and help him develop good judgment. My
parents never really
grounded me and if they tried it was usually kind of a joke
between my
siblings and me -- It just isn’t a very effective discipline
method.
Whenever I made mistakes or messed up, my parents would talk
with me about what was going on, and that really helped me get my act
together.
Most of the time when a teen acts out it’s because like any
person they are going through an emotional upheaval. Getting to the root
of the
issue and then helping them problem-solve how to deal with
their emotions better will go much further than locking the door and
throwing away the
key.
29. Remind them how special they are.
You don’t need to shower your teen with compliments but
occasionally reminding them how proud you are of their unique
personality will always bolster
their self-esteem. Avoid only praising big accomplishments,
take notice
of when they’re working really hard on something even if
they’re
struggling,
and commend their effort and perseverance.
30. Practice unconditional love, no matter what.
There’s plenty you can do to build a healthy and trusting
relationship with your teen, but every person’s journey is different.
Since you can’t plan your
teen’s life for them and no teen will always find that life is
smooth sailing,
remember that supporting your teen unconditionally no matter the
mistakes they make is your number one goal as a parent. My parents
just sent their fifth and final teen to college this fall;
they’ve seen countless accomplishments and
stumbles throughout from myself and each
of my siblings, but they have proved their
home and hearts are perpetually open.
